Random Pondering

I have been feeling so many different emotions lately. Overwhelmed, stress, hurt, frustration, unloved, alone.

Work hasn't been enjoyable for quite a while now. While I am trying to change my mindset, to make it better, it isn't always easy. I am getting new tasks, which is  good and I am very thankful for the chance to further my knowledge.

However, I literally have to take a deep breath every morning before I enter to building, just to get myself to go in.

Classes on the other hand are very fun, why didn't I listen to myself 14 years ago when I loved going down to the Early Childhood Center on campus? Oh well, can't dwell. Just need to find something that I love doing, hopefully it will be in the new degree, if I am able to finish it. Now that there are 7 weeks of actual class time left, I just need to focus on what needs to be done, and take one step at a time. There will be stressful times, but I can make it easier by not waiting until the last minute to get things done.

Then there is home.....I have felt so alone lately.  At times I feel like we are wanting very different things out of life. I really want a family, but can't say that he wants the same. He says he does, then always comes up with excuses/reasons why we need to wait.

I am pretty close to saying if we don't have a family by end of 2016, then I don't think we will have one. Mainly for the reason of my age, I will turn 38 in 2017, and second I am tired of getting up the hope and then having it smashed. So in a sense it would be a timeline for my heart to get used to the fact that it won't be a mom.

It hurts when you see friends/family expecting. And while I am absolutely ecstatic for them, I can't help but judge myself and ask, "why doesn't he want a family with me?"

A minor breakdown:

This was me about a week ago. I had a minor breakdown. Too much stuff to handle in one day. and too much stress and pent up emotion for too long.  But I had a good cry, met with a great friend and moved on. While I am not sure where I am headed, I am at least trying to refocus myself to realizing that life is just a ride. We don't know when the ride is over, but in the meantime we just need to sit back and enjoy the ride.

Family Room

I needed to tackle the family room because we were having family come up and would need the extra space for air mattresses. Now, I didn't do the family room the way I would have wanted, which would have been to go through every bin, drawer, box, etc to see if whatever was inside was actually needed. If it was then to find a better home for it.

No I did what Jason mentioned and that was to put everything in the office and deal with it later. It is stacked rather nicely, but now the office is pretty unusable. I will tackle that room later though.

However I am quite pleased with the progress of the family room.

What I started with. The items in the right foreground are items to be donated.

View from office door back to what I was starting with

Second weekend of working on this. Got the white chairs cleaned, seat covers to dry cleaners. See the bigger donation pile on the left hand side! Makes me so happy ! Lower left hand side is all stuff needing to be washed and stored (which is done!).

Different view. One side of the family room wasn't too bad so it was just a quick pick up. 

Pretty much the finished picture. The fabric cubes on the right side are extra bedding for family arriving. Air mattress and mattress are on white chairs. 

View from other side. Donation pile still needs to leave, but I keep adding to it.

Overall it took 3 weekends of working in the family room. That time wasn't continuous as I did break it up to save my sanity. It isn't perfect, but it sure is a lot better than it was. I know it will be even nicer when I don't have air mattresses in the middle of the floor from nephews visiting. 

Still need curtains for the windows and the patio door-can't find any I like in Moscow or ones that I can get 2 sets of if I do find a pattern/color I like. I am hanging a denim curtain on the right side of the fire place where the firewood box is. I also might do something to hide the extra plastic bins that are now empty, but I am not wanting to get rid of because they are expensive to replace. That area is next to the chest freezer or to the left of the fireplace.

Now to the next task.....the office.  DUN, DUN, DUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!